The Last Time I Listen To Quil: Babysitting
by Princess of Poland
Summary: This is the last time I'm listening to Quil. Because when I do, something bad ALWAYS happens. To me. Like now. He convinced me to babysit the spawn of Satan. And Claire. Oh God...
1. Unwelcome Wakeup

**PLEASE READ**

**Hi, welcome to a new series I'm working on entitled 'The Last Time I Listen to Quil'. It's basically about all the trouble that Quil and Embry get involved in (the prior being the instigator and the latter being the unfortunate who is tricked into it).**

**This is the first installment - Babysitting.**

**Summary: Quil convinces Embry to help him babysit Claire and one of her friends, who, in Embry's opinion, is the spawn of Satan. **

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><p>"Pssst. Embry..."<p>

Oh God, I know that voice.

"Eeeeembry..."

Oh God, I know what that tone in his voice means.

"OI! Embry!"

Ow! -and I know what that smack on the forehead means as well.

"Go 'way Quil..." I groaned, rolling over. Unfortunately, I'd fallen asleep on the couch, so when I rolled over, I also rolled off. Great.

Quil nudged my side with his foot. "Embry, get up. I need to ask you a favour,"

I groaned again, pushing his foot away as I sat up. "What?" That's when the warning bells should have gone off - doing a favour for Quil normally ended up with me doing something either extremely stupid, outrageously embarrassing, or down right dangerous. Sometimes all three. But, unfortunately, I wasn't mentally awake at that point, so the warning bells forgot about that minor, inconsequential, totally IMPORTANT detail, dooming me to my fate.

Quil smiled, and made himself at home in the armchair facing the couch. "Well, like I said, I have a favour to ask of you, and, if you do it, I'll never, ever, ever, EVER ask you for a favour again,"

I rolled my eyes, clambering back onto the couch. "I distinctly remember you saying that the last time you asked me for a favour..."

He smiled sheepishly. "True, but I mean it this time!"

"Fine," I yawned, still not fully awake. "What is it?"

Quil smiled at me, a weird, almost evil smile, and in my half-asleep state, I assumed it was because he was glad I was cooperating. However, I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it was something else... I shook my head, and stared at Quil blankly as he made his proposal.

"Okay, so you know how it's Claire's tenth birthday tomorrow?" I nodded. "And you know how she's having a sleep-over at Emily's tomorrow night?"

Again, I nodded, if not a little apprehensively.

"Well, one of her friends is coming around tonight, because her mom can't drop her off tomorrow."

I frowned, my sleepy brain trying to work out how this lead to Quil wanting a favour. "So?"

"So, Emily is going out tonight and can't look after them..." My eyes widened as I realised where this was going. "And she asked me to babysit them, and, of course, I said yes, but I don't want to do it by myself...so, I thought that, because you're my best friend in the whole wide world, you would come and help me!" he looked at me expectantly, before adding as an afterthought. "Please?"

I blinked slowly at him. Babysitting. One of Claire's friends. Oh God...

"Please Embry? If you do, I'll run all your patrols for the rest of the week."

I deliberated. On one hand, it wasn't that I didn't like Claire, hell, Claire was like a little sister, it was just...I'd heard stories from the other pack members about Claire's friends. And they weren't pretty. On the other hand, not having to sneak out to do midnight patrols for a while might make my mom happy. That, and I could get some sleep in a bed, instead of on the couch, or at my desk. Hmm, maybe switching patrols with Seth on the night of the math final had not been such a good idea...

I was brought out of my thoughts by a hand being waved in front of my face. "Helooo, Earth to Embry, we are losing contact, please switch on your brain..."

"Shut up," I snapped, lobbing a pillow at Quil. If he wanted my help, he needed to be nice. After a few more seconds of intense inner discussion, I sighed. "Alright, I'll do it,"

"You promise?"

I yawned again. "Sure I promise...I'll help you babysit Claire and her," I gulped, "friend,"

Quil's smile probably put the sun to shame. "Great!" he cried, pumping his fist in the air. "Thanks Em, you're the best!"

"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, curling back up on the couch as he left. If I was gonna do this, I would need all the energy I could get.


	2. Enter the Devil Child

**Chapter 2, enter the devil child. **

**Oh, I forgot this on the first chapter.**

**Disclaimer: 'Shutting up, can do,'**

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><p>"Babysitting?" I shrieked, staring dumbfounded at Quil. "How in all that is holy did you manage to convince me to help you babysit Claire and one of her insane friends?" We were in Quil's truck on the way to Emily's. And...them.<p>

Quil had the grace to look ashamed. "Weeeell..." he began. "I kinda, sorta, didn't mean to, on purpose took-advantage-of-the-fact-that-you-can't-make-rational-decisions-when-you're-half-asleep!" he finished in a rush.

My eye twitched. "You what?" I hissed, glaring at my 'best friend'.

He shifted nervously under my poisonous stare. "T-took advantage of the fact that you can't make rational decisions when you're half-asleep..."

I sighed in frustration. "Quil!" I said exasperatedly. "We've discussed this; you cannot take advantage of my poor decision making while I'm hindered by sleep! Remember what happened the last time you did that? You know, 'The Mango Experiment'?"

Quil winced at the memory. I did too, regretting bringing up the incident that had involved a crate of mangos, an egg-beater, and Paul's single remaining shirt. The outcome had not been favourable for us.

"Yeah..." he said. "But it's different this time!"

"How?" I demanded.

"It isn't life threatening this time!"

"Oh, well, that makes it _all_ better!" I said sarcastically. "It _isn't_ life threatening, that's a change! Hey, do you think we might even not get _injured_ this time?"

"Em, seriously, calm down. It's not that big a deal!"

"_Not that big a deal_!" I practically screamed. "Were you even _listening_ when Sam told us about his encounter with Claire's friends? He had nightmares for weeks! Sam! Nightmares! Those two words don't even belong in the same sentence!"

"Jeeze Embry," Quil griped, holding up his hands in defence. "You're acting like I'm asking you to babysit the devil's daughter!"

"YOU ARE!" I howled (no pun intended) as we rounded the final corner separating me from my doom.

"Oh please, quit being so melodramatic," Quil said, rolling his eyes. "You're worse than Jacob!"

I scowled, crossing my arms and sulking. "I'm not that bad!"

"You are at the moment," he muttered shutting off the engine and getting out of the truck. He walked a couple of steps, then turned back to the truck. "You coming Em?"

"No."

Quil sighed. He walked around to my side of the truck, opened the door, and dragged me out by my shirt.

"Come on Em, you _promised_!"

"Yes, but I was coerced!" This was met with a blank look from Quil. "I was impelled?"

"Look, Em, you can use all the fancy words you want, but you still promised!" and he began to drag me towards Emily's house, which no longer looked so inviting. Not now that it housed the spawn of Satan...

"But I don't even remember promising!" I wailed, digging my heels into the ground. But, thanks to this stupid wolf gene, Quil was now four inches taller than me, and about two times stronger, so all I achieved was leaving two great furrows in Sam and Emily's front yard. Emily will not be pleased.

We were now only a few feet from the house of terror, and I was still complaining. "Goodness!" exclaimed Emily as she opened the door. "Was all that caterwauling coming from _Embry_?"

I blushed. Okay, maybe I _was_ overreacting by a miniscule amount...

"Sorry about that," Quil answered. "I don't know what's come over him - he's not his usual timid self tonight!"

I smacked his shoulder. "I'm not timid!"

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><p>Now seated at the kitchen table, a plate of bread loaf sized muffins in front of me, I was feeling much calmer. This was due to the fact that Claire's friend hadn't arrived yet. As I devoured my sixth muffin, Emily began to give us some instructions pertaining to bed-times, usage of house-hold appliances, the consumption of food stuff, and, again, bed-times. Quil called it 'Emily's List of Don'ts'<p>

"Don't let them stay up past eight thirty, don't let them use the phone, don' let them eat sugar, and don't let them stay up past eight thirty," those were our instructions.

I was just polishing off the remains of my ninth muffin when the was a small knock on the door. My blood ran cold. Claire's demon - I mean friend was here. Cue the creepy violins from _Psycho_...

Claire squealed, causing me to drop my new muffin on the floor, and jumped off Quil's back (they'd been playing 'Horsie') and ran to the door, just as Emily reached it. "Eva, Eva, Eva!" Claire chanted as Emily opened the door. I considered yelling 'NO! Don't!' but decided that rescuing my poor muffin from the horror that is the kitchen floor (which appeared to be covered in large, muddy footprints. I wonder who left those there? It can't have been us, because we're good boys and always wipe our feet. Well, that's what I tell myself anyway...)

However, I dropped my muffin - again - when ear-splitting (at least to my hyperactive senses) shrieks erupted from the door. I looked over to Quil, who was also wincing from the high-pitched squees. "Still think this was a good idea?" I asked him.

He nodded stubbornly. "I'm sure we can get them down a couple o' hundred decibels..."

I shook my head at his simplicity. "Children don't have volume controls Quil,"

Quil poked his tongue out at me. "Oooh," I mocked. "_Real_ mature!"

"Says the boy who was fussing more than a girl on her first date!"

"Hey! I was NOT!"

"Just how long have you two been married?" Emily asked, re-entering the kitchen, followed by Claire and-

The most angelic child I'd ever seen. She was pale (not vampiric pale though) with long, blonde ringlets, and big, piercing green eyes. She was dressed to the nines, and had an innocent look that screamed 'butter wouldn't melt' on her pretty face.

"Quilly, Uncle Embry," Claire addressed us. "This is Eva!"

'Eva' blushed, and gave us a shy wave. "Pleased to meet you," she said hesitantly. "I'm Evangeline Summers."

"Hey, Embry! She's just like you!" Quil laughed.

I discreetly kicked him under the table.

"Uncle Embry!" Claire frowned at me. "Be nice to Quilly!"

"Yeah Embry, be nice to Quilly!" Quil echoed.

"Don't refer to yourself in third person - it's creepy."

"Boys..." Emily said warningly as she walked past us, keys in one hand, jacket in the other.

"Sorry!" we both chorused.

"Are you leaving now Aunty Emmie?" Claire asked, hugging her aunt.

"Yes, I'll be back late though, so be a good girl for Quil and Embry."

"I will!"

Emily nodded, and headed out the door. She was stooped by a small hand grabbing her arm. She looked down. Evangeline was looking up at her with her wide, clear eyes. "Thank you for letting me stay, Claire's Aunty," she said politely.

Emily beamed at her, her expression clearly saying 'Aren't you so cute!' "That's okay sweetie, have fun tonight!" and then she was out the door.

"I will!" Evangeline said, still facing the door. 'Maybe this won't be so bad,' I thought. 'Maybe Evangeline is one of Claire's nice, sane, _good_ friends...'

Then she turned to us, sweet expression gone, replaced with that of a cat who's caught the mouse. "Oh, I will..." followed by an almost evil laugh, which Claire joined in with.

Oh God.

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><p><strong>And no, Embry doesn't imprint on Evangeline...<strong>


	3. Issues With Food Part 1

**Third Chapter, Issues with Food Part 1**

**Disclaimer: 'You tryin' to walk and chew gum at the same time, Bella?'**

**A/N: I know Embry is really melodramatic, but that's just how I write him. Because, lets face it, there really isn't much characterization for the wolves, so we can pretty much do whatever we want with them.**

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><p>I was convinced that Eva was evil. Quil was convinced that I was nuts.<p>

We'd been alone in the house with Claire and that...that-that THING for fifteen minutes and I was already ready to pack it in and go home.

But nooooo, 'Quilly' wasn't having any of it. "Come on Em, she's not evil, she's just a normal little girl!"

"That's what she _wants_ you to think!" I cried hysterically, waving my arms wildly in Eva's direction. Eva and Claire were sitting at the kitchen table, eating the spaghetti Emily had made for them before she left.

Quil put his hands on my shoulders and held me still. "Embry, listen: she is not evil, she is not a devil. She is a nice, quiet, good little girl, who is best friends with my Claire-bear!"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is that you or the imprint talking?"

"Both," Quil stated as he began to steer me towards the table. "Now sit down and eat a muffin. They keep you quiet..."

"Okay," I grudgingly complied, sitting down next to Claire, Quil taking a seat on her other side. I reached for the muffin plate; put my hand out and - nothing. The last muffin was gone...THE LAST MUFFIN WAS _GONE_! Frantically, I began scouting the table, hoping it had rolled off or something. No luck on the table top, time to check the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees and looked under the table. No muffin, but there was a pile of crumbs beginning to form over the other side of the table. Muffin crumbs. I stood up, forgetting I was under the table and banging my head.

"OW!" I bellowed, falling over backwards, rubbing my head and swearing.

Quil looked scandalised and Claire gaped at me.

"Uncle Embry said a bad word!"

"Uncle Embry said _lots_ of bad words," Quil growled, glaring at me.

"How come you get mad at me for swearing and not Paul?"

"Because Claire doesn't call Paul 'Uncle Paul'."

"Yes she does."

"..." And Quil whipped his phone out and began to scroll furiously through his contacts, muttering: "I'll teach him a lesson for swearing in front of Claire-bear..."

I rolled my eyes, and looked around for the source of the pile of crumbs. And then I saw it. The most horrifying sight I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Eva was sitting there; smugly licking muffin crumbs off her greedy little fingers.

"AH-HA!" I yelled, pointing at her. Quil paused mid rant to Paul, looking at me with an odd expression on his face. "There's the proof!" I continued, still pointing at Eva, who went on happily licking her fingers.

"Proof of what Uncle Embry?"

"She's evil!"

"Embry!" Quil sighed. "What could Eva possibly have done to make you think she's evil?"

"She..." I paused for dramatic effect. "Ate the last muffin."

Quil facepalmed.

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><p>I sat, sulking on my bar-stool as Quil, Claire, and the devil's daughter planned some activities.<p>

"Excuse me, Quil?" Eva's voice cut in. "What's wrong with Mr Embry?"

"Nothing, he just gets a bit attached to Emily's muffins,"

"I do not!" I protested, crossing my arms.

"Em, you just chucked a hissy because Eva ate the last muffin. How can you not call that attached?"

I ignored him.

"Besides," Quil added. "You've already had, what, ten? Do you really need another one?"

"Yes..." Okay, maybe not. But...Emily's muffins are _addictive_!

"Whatever," Quil said, shaking his head. "Now stop sulking - these two want to do some cooking!"

Oh God, this could only end badly...

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><p>"Uh, Quil?" I asked tentatively. "Are you sure that's safe to eat?"<p>

Quil rolled his eyes at me. "Stop being such a girl - it's perfectly safe!" and he took a bite out of the Mac and Cheese burrito Claire had made for him. It smelled...cheesy...

"Uncle Embry!" Claire whined. "You haven't eaten your's yet!" and she pointed at the piece of toast sitting in front of me.

It was burnt to charcoal, and was topped with melted cheese and cheese flavoured Twisties. This girl has a thing for cheese... I gulped and picked the...thing...up, trying not to smell it. Eating with long teeth, I took a bite out of the toast. My eyes began to water as the foul taste of burnt food assaulted my taste buds. Behind Claire, Quil (who had finished the burrito) made a chew-and-swallow motion. Glaring at him, and making a mental note to beat him to death with a spoon, I gnawed at the lump of coal in my hand.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. And EW! Oh God that was the worst thing I'd ever eaten!

"What did you think, Uncle Embry?" Claire asked, looking at me with pleading eyes. I glanced at Quil. The look he was giving me said 'Tell her it sucked, and I will throw you off the cliff.' Gulp.

"It was really, eeeeer, good Claire!"

"Really Uncle Embry?"

"Yeah, sure, absotively posilutely!"

She laughed at me. "You're silly Uncle Embry!"

"He is, isn't he?" Quil agreed, nodding sagely. Claire laughed at him too. "Now, what has Eva made us?"

"I'm not done!" she cried and Quil went to enter the kitchen. He backed out, hands up.

"Okay, but don't be too much longer - it's almost seven,"

What? Seven? I still had and hour and a half of torture left? I could have screamed.

I did scream when Eva came out of the kitchen with a plate of...muffins.

"Here Mr Embry," she said 'innocently'. "I made you some muffins." Is it just me, or did that sound way to sinister to be coming from a ten year old?

"Aww, isn't that sweet?" Quil cooed. Seriously? Could he not see that she was trying to poison me?

"Ahhh, thanks, I think. What kind of muffin are they?"

Eva smiled devilishly. How is it that _I'm_ the only one who can see she's evil? "They're 'Anything and Everything Muffins'!" she announced proudly.

"'Anything and Everything'?" Quil and I looked at each other - me with a look of terror, and he with a look of entertainment.

_She_ nodded. "Claire says that you said that you'll eat any and every kind of muffin."

"Oh, did she now?" I would've glared at Claire, but then Quil would've kill me. Stupid imprinting...

So, I bit the bullet and picked up one of the 'muffins' and inspected it. Ugh, is that a piece of wire?

"Come on Embry, how bad can it be?" Quil asked, giving me a nudge. I groaned, and took a bite.

Oh Go-


End file.
